Vigi-/Vig/Vigil- Reading the Dictionary

I had the privilege of sharing this piece during the Trans Day of Remembrance vigil organized by Vernon Pride Society and hosted by Ritual Barbershop on November 20, 2024. I put it together right before the event, and decided to make a few edits this morning.

Shared in honour of all of those who were never witnessed.

____

Freed from the obligation 

to be anyone 

other than myself

I am discovering that I am 

the person:

I feared for so long I was;

  I was taught to fear. 

In constant evolution,

but not running away.

Lovable. Safe.

From here, exploration is possible.

Improbably, exquisitely delightful.

Name:

 a word or phrase that constitutes

the distinctive designation of a person or thing.[1]

I was born a disappointment.

Not:

the blond, blue-eyed little boy;

the heir.

Unacceptably, untenably,

deficient, shameful, wrong,

weird

masculine

to the point of requiring

non-consensual surgical intervention.

No aspect of the presentation

would escape

her overwhelming need

to control and dominate.

Trans:

A prefix

That means on or to the other side of: across: beyond

through

so or such as to change or transfer.[2]

Deadname:

The name that a trans person

was given at birth

and no longer uses upon transitioning.[3]

My deadname

That designation I was given

From the mouth of

A gifthorse 

It was always a hateful, abrasive thing

In my ears and on my tongue

In my head

On her lips

Derived from the Greek

andreios (adj.) "manly, masculine, of or

for a man; strong; stubborn," from anēr (genitive andros) "man"[4]

That they chose this---that she chose this---

Irony

Embodied

Or a Trojan Horse?

Long before I crossed and crashed through

The various boxes earnestly checked

The way I behaved

The choices I made 

Grated standards.

Bewildering.

I was told by the nuns that playing wall ball at recess was

not acceptable

for little girls

I belonged with the others

Playing house under the tree

I followed the rules

dutifully

until they nearly choked out the last wisps

of a being in interminable, improbable longing.

This body has always known.

Witness to perpetual awakening,

before, through, defying

any notion of name.

Belonging only to itself.

Not:

a girl;

 a boy;

a disappointment.

Perhaps:

a sacrilege;

an oddity.

But not:

a lie.

Vigil: 

the act of keeping awake at times

when sleep is customary.

Vigil; Etymology:

Middle English vigile, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin & Latin;

Late Latin vigilia watch on the eve of a feast

 from Latin, wakefulness, watch, from vigil awake, watchful; akin to

Latin vigēre to be vigorous, vegēre to enliven[5] 

And thus here we stand,

vigilantes,

bodies

awake,

improbably, exquisitely delightful.

***

Andi Sheasby, (they/them)

_______

[1] "name" Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2024.

Web. 20 Nov 2024.

[2] "trans" Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2024.

Web. 20 Nov 2024.

[3] "deadname" Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2024.

Web. 20 Nov 2024.

[4] “andreios” (ἀνδρήϊος) Wiktionary.com. Web. 20 Nov 2024.

 [5] "vigil" Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2024.

Web. 20 Nov 2024.